Today is not the first time I’ve realized this but I think there is no one person in my life to whom I can pour out my feelings about everything. To some extent I can do that with my husband. I have seen ups and downs with him. so far we are rock solid. But, there are certain things, some emotions that have no driving reason but its just the way you feel about them and you can’t help it. sometimes I wonder If these thoughts make me a bad person for I know for sure that those are not good thoughts. I cannot find a person who would listen to my crap without questioning me and judging me. And above all its very difficult to find someone who can be truly happy for you without finding hints of jealousy. So, I thought maybe writing is my only outlet and thats how I can get my thoughts out. I only wish if there was one person, my person who could share anything and everything and accept me as I am with my hatred and habits and expect nothing in return.
I am scared that If I put down my thoughts and true feelings of hate and disgust about certain things then some how I am giving a written consent that I am a bad person. I get angry, I orally abuse people if they irritate or disgust me. I just hate some people for no obvious reason. Its true and I haven’t confided this to my husband or anyone else. Its just me and this piece of paper. I lose my temper a lot of times and I cannot tolerate injustice or irrationality. unfortunately I experience it often. I don’t like people who judge others or people who tell others how to live life or for that matter give suggestions as if they know everything. In infact hate those people. But, I see so many such people around me that it never stops being true and never stops irritating me.
I ran away from few things in my life, I am not proud of it but my tolerance was limited and I pushed myself beyond it. I could no longer survive it. So I ran, I forced myself into situations I would not have otherwise forced myself into. To run away was my only courage. I have learnt a lot from life by doing so. So, I do not regret it. Now once again, I am being pushed by life into the same abyss, I ran away from. This is a feeling I cannot express completely and make someone understand it. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless but there is nothing I can do but once again give in to it. Tolerate those same situations and people and be silent about it. I am not the kind of person who has the courage to tell people how I truly feel about them if Its not a positive feeling. I am miserable at it.
I have seen 2.5 years of life as a homemaker. I am glad I did it for I do not want to have any regrets on death bed. Sometimes, I am irritated because I feel low because I had a career before this and now I am just a homemaker taking care of my kid doing laundry, cleaning and cooking. This feeling is not something a man can ever fathom to understand. They are not in that position ever. The inadequacy is painful. It’s as if some one should have to tell you everyday that you are doing something meaningful with your life. But, no one tells you that. Its just that you have tell that to yourself and after some time you begin to lose faith in yourself, your confidence starts going down. It becomes almost necessary to restore your confidence and faith in yourself. It’s as if you have to prove to yourself that you are worth something and that you can still achieve something or be where you want to be. It’s not that you do not love your child, but it becomes so so so important to you that you have to show everyone that you can always rebound. I only wish I was telling to this a person and not a piece of paper.
My mother was a career woman. She had her flaws but some how she managed it. I have not seen one other person like her who could handle home and office with such ease. end of the day she survived it and sometimes managed it without my father’s help. I am proud of that and truly applaud her for that. Personally, I didn’t like a working mother in school but I now realize how important it is to have financial independence and discover world for yourself. No matter how small is the amount you bring home you still have a feeling called satisfaction that is so beyond the comfort of any amount of wealth.
I hate most of the women around me and I don’t know why. I just cannot tolerate some of them. When they speak money like an illeterate, when they act ignorant and silly, when don’t have maturity of thought, when they lack independence and need their mom’s for every damn thing. Unfortunately I haven’t had a single girl friend my entire life (till today) and I don’t hope to find anyone either. I just cannot talk like them, think like them , act like them. I feel lost thinking that I am probably not myself when I try to mingle. I sometimes dream that may be that goto person or that girl friend will probably be my daughter but who knows how much she will like me when she grows up for thats when they begin to judge you. Its not that I won’t love her, the love of a mother is unconditional and no matter what I will love her. But, yes may be she will be the only person that I can be around without any limitations. I feel sad about this but I don’t know what I can do about it (not having a girl friend).
There are so many times while in the bathroom, while cooking and while just sitting I think about situations and people I have seen and then sometimes I find myself cursing them or forming a plan to deal with them. I find that funny and also inept. but, end of the day that’s who I am and I don’t know what I can do about it.
Hopefully, there is a better time that awaits and I really hope that its true.
hmm, feels good so far...to be contd...