Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thinking out loud...

Today is not the first time I’ve realized this but I think there is no one person in my life to whom I can pour out my feelings about everything. To some extent I can do that with my husband. I have seen ups and downs with him. so far we are rock solid. But, there are certain things, some emotions that have no driving reason but its just the way you feel about them and you can’t help it. sometimes I wonder If these thoughts make me a bad person for I know for sure that those are not good thoughts. I cannot find a person who would listen to my crap without questioning me and judging me. And above all its very difficult to find someone who can be truly happy for you without finding hints of jealousy. So, I thought maybe writing is my only outlet and thats how I can get my thoughts out. I only wish if there was one person, my person who could share anything and everything and accept me as I am with my hatred and habits and expect nothing in return.

I am scared that If I put down my thoughts and true feelings of hate and disgust about certain things then some how I am giving a written consent that I am a bad person. I get angry, I orally abuse people if they irritate or disgust me. I just hate some people for no obvious reason. Its true and I haven’t confided this to my husband or anyone else. Its just me and this piece of paper. I lose my temper a lot of times and I cannot tolerate injustice or irrationality. unfortunately I experience it often. I don’t like people who judge others or people who tell others how to live life or for that matter give suggestions as if they know everything. In infact hate those people. But, I see so many such people around me that it never stops being true and never stops irritating me.

I ran away from few things in my life, I am not proud of it but my tolerance was limited and I pushed myself beyond it. I could no longer survive it. So I ran, I forced myself into situations I would not have otherwise forced myself into. To run away was my only courage. I have learnt a lot from life by doing so. So, I do not regret it. Now once again, I am being pushed by life into the same abyss, I ran away from. This is a feeling I cannot express completely and make someone understand it. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless but there is nothing I can do but once again give in to it. Tolerate those same situations and people and be silent about it. I am not the kind of person who has the courage to tell people how I truly feel about them if Its not a positive feeling. I am miserable at it.

I have seen 2.5 years of life as a homemaker. I am glad I did it for I do not want to have any regrets on death bed. Sometimes, I am irritated because I feel low because I had a career before this and now I am just a homemaker taking care of my kid doing laundry, cleaning and cooking. This feeling is not something a man can ever fathom to understand. They are not in that position ever. The inadequacy is painful. It’s as if some one should have to tell you everyday that you are doing something meaningful with your life. But, no one tells you that. Its just that you have tell that to yourself and after some time you begin to lose faith in yourself, your confidence starts going down. It becomes almost necessary to restore your confidence and faith in yourself. It’s as if you have to prove to yourself that you are worth something and that you can still achieve something or be where you want to be. It’s not that you do not love your child, but it becomes so so so important to you that you have to show everyone that you can always rebound. I only wish I was telling to this a person and not a piece of paper.

My mother was a career woman. She had her flaws but some how she managed it. I have not seen one other person like her who could handle home and office with such ease. end of the day she survived it and sometimes managed it without my father’s help. I am proud of that and truly applaud her for that. Personally, I didn’t like a working mother in school but I now realize how important it is to have financial independence and discover world for yourself. No matter how small is the amount you bring home you still have a feeling called satisfaction that is so beyond the comfort of any amount of wealth.

I hate most of the women around me and I don’t know why. I just cannot tolerate some of them. When they speak money like an illeterate, when they act ignorant and silly, when don’t have maturity of thought, when they lack independence and need their mom’s for every damn thing. Unfortunately I haven’t had a single girl friend my entire life (till today) and I don’t hope to find anyone either. I just cannot talk like them, think like them , act like them. I feel lost thinking that I am probably not myself when I try to mingle. I sometimes dream that may be that goto person or that girl friend will probably be my daughter but who knows how much she will like me when she grows up for thats when they begin to judge you. Its not that I won’t love her, the love of a mother is unconditional and no matter what I will love her. But, yes may be she will be the only person that I can be around without any limitations. I feel sad about this but I don’t know what I can do about it (not having a girl friend).

There are so many times while in the bathroom, while cooking and while just sitting I think about situations and people I have seen and then sometimes I find myself cursing them or forming a plan to deal with them. I find that funny and also inept. but, end of the day that’s who I am and I don’t know what I can do about it.

Hopefully, there is a better time that awaits and I really hope that its true.

hmm, feels good so be contd...

Monday, November 24, 2014

Equation of life

Life is full of unexpected surprises. Some of them come wrapped in bright colors of happiness and  joy while some come in grey shades of shock and despair. Every miserable event is life’s way of teaching us to live.  ‘Change’, whether good or bad is always the common quotient of all transactions of life. Our ability to embrace this change at the most unfortunate times, determines our scale of dejection. We are built to deal with change, shock and despair. The sooner we embrace them, the sooner we can rebound. However hope makes us weak and vulnerable. Hope that makes us forget that happiness is just a phase and that there will always be those times of gloom to restore equilibrium in life. True challenge is to suffer, cry, lean but fight. Expectations determine the length of suffering and the window of distress; but we can begin to fight once we find our ground.

Our inability to accept the inopportune effect of change impairs our formidability. No matter how big we dream and how hard we try, some things are out of our hands. Most often we do not want to believe this and it works; it works for as long as we have an expected outcome. But, when we learn it is different from what we expected, we have a hard time contemplating it. We cannot dismiss it. Instead we deal with it in fives stages of grief. Denial is the first stage of grief followed by anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance.

We cherish happiness and success beyond anything; but it is the sadness, failure and grief that we bear, conquer and tolerate that make happy moments worth cherishing. Wounds of woes are lessons of life and no journey of true human spirit is complete without it. A brave heart can heal the broken wings of hope and restore true strength.

Felicity and grief sustain balance in the equation of life. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Cet amour

If love is in the air then may be it truly invisible string that brings people closer. Be it the evergreen magic of teen age attraction or the old tale of senile affection; Be it a long lasting promise of wedding vows or a likely compromise of marriage is every where....a delicate thread that sews our lives together.

There is a different form of love that manifests in our lives some time or the other...the love that we can feel around and with in us. It is delicate,unconditional and everlasting. The soft touch of tender hands, the tumbling hustle of tiny feet, the quiet felicity of innocent smile, the melodious disharmony of voice and words,the frivolous joy of shopping for tiny clothes and toys,the peaceful warmth of hugging them to sleep, the true bliss of rising to their happy faces every morning..this is the most precious love that can ever happen.A feeling so pure and gentle that life never is complete without the touch of it.

This emotion flourishes with time; the tough love. love that springs with attraction; blossoms with wedding; grows, suffers, and survives in marriage. It drags itself through the streets of conflicts and chaos but still manages to sustain with patience. The love that learns to stabilize itself with years of experience.

It's inevitable and sure to follow into the age of senility; the true love. This one's a keeper, for it continues its journey till the end of time.The love that is quiet and silent in the eyes of souls who just know that it is there. The love that becomes a routine of day, a habit of existence and solace of life.Love that knows that it lasts for sure but only with the fear of not knowing how long before the bed is half empty. is never the same again...true love prevails.

To the eternity of love....